THE TWILIGHT ZONE: A TRIBUTE IN SONG, CONCLUSION

Welcome back for the conclusion of our musical tribute to the 50th anniversary of The Twilight Zone. Here’s another session’s worth of songs based on some of TV’s most memorable half-hours.

KICK THE CAN by George Clayton Johnson. In which a resident in a senior citizens’ home intuits an unexpected way to get a second lease on life. Sung to the tune of “Young at Heart”.

If the truth should be told, you don’t have to stay old

If you kick the can.

All the seniors agree, it works magic, you see

When you kick the can.

You can moan, you can sigh, like you’re ready to die,

Or be fresh and be spry and be ready to fly.

It’s better to look forward to your frisky days,

Not stuck there in a home where you’re set in your ways.

If you frolic and hoot, you won’t stay an old coot.

Just play Kick the Can.

You’ll get back all your fire while your children retire.

Just play Kick the Can.

And if you should endure to a hundred and four,

It’s okay, for you’ll score as a youngster once more.

You won’t stay an old man, and you’ll know it began

When you played a rousing game of Kick the Can.

TO SERVE MAN by Rod Serling from the story by Damon Knight. In which we find the alien Kanamits have a real, ahem, appetite for good deeds on behalf of humanity. Sung to the tune of “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music.

Humans by nature we know are suspicious.

But we assure you our plans are delicious.

We know your problems; we’ll take them in hand.

This is our promise: We’ve come to serve man.

We’ll stop your wars and we’ll cure your diseases.

Famine and suffering, we’ll make sure it ceases.

All human wishes will be our commands.

This is our mission: We’re here to serve man.

We’ll leave our book here; we don’t mind you looking.

Once you translate it you’ll know just what’s cooking.

Our tasty menu we’ve carefully planned.

Come to our planet; we love to serve man!

For our wisdom, altruism, you can take our word:

We’re all dedicated to serving mankind

And you’ll be our just dessert!

NIGHTMARE AT 20,000 FEET by Richard Matheson. In which William Shatner plays a recovering mental patient who finds he has unwelcome company on the flight home from the sanitarium. Sung to the tune of “The Wind Beneath My Wings.”

I once had a breakdown, but I’m better.

And now with my wife I’m flying home.

You would just love to make me crash, that’s your way.

You’re an obnoxious little gnome.

So now I’m the one who gets the weird looks,

While you are the one who flits away.

And I try to warn them, but the crew won’t believe

That you’re out there tearing up the plane.

My wife thinks that I still have a screw loose.

The crew thinks that I’m a ding-a-ling.

Yes, I’m a recovering mental patient

And you are the monster on my wing.

You’re floating so smug outside my window.

When anyone comes, you disappear.

The Captain pretends he knows the truth; of course he doesn’t.

I’ve got to get you out of here.

Now everyone thinks that I’m still crazy,

That I should be in the loony bin.

But I’m gonna plug you with this pistol

And bump off the monster on my wing!

(Repeat.)

Oh die...die...die...die...die, you beast...!

NIGHT CALL by Richard Matheson. In which a lonely old woman’s persistent phone caller is dialing person to person--or something like that--from the Twilight Zone. Sung to the tune of “I Heard it Through the Grapevine”.

I’d never shut up until I got my way.

Whipped my boyfriend Brian every day.

Didn’t care for how my lover feels.

Wouldn’t let him get behind the wheel.

When we crashed, no one could save

My poor Brian from an early grave.

And now I heard it through the phone line:

You’re the ghost of who was once mine.

Said I heard it through the phone line,

And I’m just about to lose my mind. Honey, honey, yeah...

(Heard it through the phone line, you’re the ghost of who was once mine, baby...)

So I paid a call out to Mama Bell.

Asked the operator, “What the hell?”

She told me the wire had fallen from the pole,

And had got the number of your soul.

Onto your grave the wire had gone,

Person to person from the beyond.

That’s how I heard it through the phone line:

You’re the ghost of who was once mine.

Said I heard it through the phone line,

And I’m just about to lose my mind. Honey, honey, yeah...

(Heard it through the phone line, you’re the ghost of who was once mine, baby...)

How long has it been since the accident

When my fiance through the window went?

Now I’m an old lady sitting all alone

Hearing voices on my telephone.

And so I’m stuck here in my bed

Getting long distance from the dead.

That’s how I heard it through the phone line:

You’re the ghost of who was once mine.

Said I heard it through the phone line,

And I’m just about to lose my mind. Honey, honey, yeah...

(Heard it through the phone line, you’re the ghost of who was once mine, baby...)

NUMBER TWELVE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU by John Tomerlin from the story by Charles Beaumont. The tale of a future in which everyone is beautiful because the government requires people to be made over during adolescence into a range of specific physical ideals--and they’re considerate enough to think all your thoughts for you too! Sung to the tune of Madonna’s “Material Girl”.

One is all and all is one; that’s what our life’s about.

Drink your Instant Smile ‘cause we don’t like to see you pout.

When you turn 19 they’ll make you perfect; wait and see.

I was once a mess, now Number 12 looks just like me!

‘Cause we are living in an identical world and I am an identical girl.

‘Cause we are living in an identical world and I am an identical girl.

Once they said that beauty was as deep as just the skin.

That’s the kind of profound talk that really does me in.

Differences and intellect, from these we are now free.

What’s the need of pesky individuality?

‘Cause we are living in an identical world and I am identical girl.

‘Cause we are living in an identical world and I am identical girl.

We’re hooked in an identical world. (Identica-al!)

Same looks in an identical world.

No mind in an identical world. (Identica-al!)

We’re blind in an identical world.

Into deeper meanings I no longer want to delve.

Life’s a cabaret now I look just like Number Twelve!

‘Cause baby, we are living in an identical world and I am an identical girl.

You know that we are living in an identical world and I am an identical girl.

‘Cause baby, we are living in an identical world and I am an identical girl.

You know that we are living in an identical world and I am an identical girl.

An identical...an identical...an identical...an identical world.

And that wraps up our musical journey into Rod Serling’s Fifth Dimension. I hope you’ve enjoyed our little suite of macabre melodies and this tuneful look back at one of the best TV series ever produced. Until our next Quantum Blog, never forget: Mama may have and Papa may have, but God bless the child who’s got his Zone!