If you don’t know The Twilight Zone...well, my first response is, “And you call yourself a culturally literate American?” My next response is, “There’s no better time to learn the show!” That’s because we’re celebrating the 50th anniversary of the classic Rod Serling series here at The Quantum Blog, and we’re doing it in song! Continuing our musical montage of Zone episodes, here are more tuneful treatments of unforgettable stories...
THE HOWLING MAN by Charles Beaumont. In which a man traveling through Europe has a Devil of a time when he falls ill and recuperates in a monastery. Sung to the tune of “Leave a Tender Moment Alone” by Billy Joel.
I was hiking through Europe. And there in the dark stormy night,
I was ready to throw up, but that was when I saw the light.
Found an old monastery, where I thought I’d shake off the flu.
But the monks were so wary, of what I just hadn’t a clue.
This was more than an abbey, built out of mortar and stone,
But I wasn’t so savvy...to leave a howling Devil alone.
He was making a racket, there in the cell where he lay,
And I just couldn’t hack it, when all that the monks did was pray.
This poor bastard was seeming to be like a regular guy,
But they called him a demon who’d put on a pleasing disguise.
So I blew off the warning that I got from Brother Jerome,
And I learned by the morning to leave a howling Devil alone.
And he wasted no time, when I let him get out of the door.
Soon as I turned him loose on the world, he had started the Second World War!
(Leave a howling Devil alone...
Leave a howling Devil...leave him alone....
Leave a howling Devil alone.)
Now myself I am hating. I curse my mistake all the time.
‘Cause I couldn’t see Satan, and the world has to pay for my crime.
No, the truth I was missing, the good word of Brother Jerome.
How I wish I had listened: Oh, leave a howling Devil alone!
Oh...oh...oh... Leave a howling Devil alone.
Leave a howling Devil alone...
Leave a howling Devil...leave him alone...
Got to leave a howling Devil...leave him alone...
THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER by Rod Serling. In which Donna Douglas, the future Ellie Mae Clampett of The Beverly Hillbillies, goes through a dozen plastic surgeries in hopes of looking “normal” in a world full of...well, you should know this episode. Sung to the tune of “I’ve Grown Accustomed to Her Face” from My Fair Lady.
We simply can’t accept your face.
It makes us want to gag and retch.
The operations didn’t work, the surgeries you chose.
Your eyes, your lips, your cheeks, your nose
Are still repulsive to us now.
We swear they make us want to heave.
You know we’re hung up on conformity; that’s why we make a fuss.
We think the world should be a bunch of gargoyles just like us.
We simply can’t abide your pan. We can’t live with your mug.
We can’t accept your face.
THE SILENCE by Rod Serling. Not one of my favorite episodes, this is really among the less impressive ones, but I couldn’t resist the idea when it came to me. At a posh gentleman’s club, a young boor drones on and on until one of the senior members makes him a wager he can’t refuse. Sung to the tune of “I Could Have Danced All Night” from My Fair Lady.
Noise! Noise! I’m tired of his voice.
A peaceful evening we will never get.
Blab! Blab! I’m fed up with his gab.
Could I stop his prattle with a bet...?
He could have talked all night. He could have talked all night,
Until my nerves were gone.
He could have blown his breath and bored me half to death,
The way he’d babble on.
You never heard so much ado for nothing,
Enough to make your eardrums bleed.
I only wished that lout would shut his flapping mouth.
He could have talked, talked, talked all night!
The man’s so dull, Sir. He numbs your skull, Sir.
Can this fool please...shut...up?
He could have talked (they made a bet) all night (for half a mill).
He could have talked (if he could keep) all night (his flapper still),
Until we made a deal.
(The wager said he couldn’t say a word until the time was up and everybody heard.)
If he would still (he couldn’t make) his gums (a single peep),
I’d pay a generous (then half a mil-) sum (-lion he would reap)
And then he’d be well-heeled.
(We didn’t think the boy could keep it zipped without a single slip.)
When bad investments took away my fortune,
I was afraid the bet was lost.
But then I learned (we’re so relieved) that lout (we all rejoice)
Had cut his larynx (we’ll never hear) out (his droning voice)!
He’ll never talk, talk, talk...all night!
It’s awfully sad, Sir. It’s gone so bad, Sir.
But now the deed...is...done.
He could have talked all night. He could have talked all night,
Until my nerves were gone.
He could have blown his breath and bored me half to death,
The way he babbled on.
When bad investments took away my fortune,
I was afraid the bet was lost.
But then I learned that lout had cut his larynx out!
He’ll never talk, talk, talk...all night!
NEXT POST: And still more episodes come in for lyrical lunacy, including “To Serve Man” and “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet”!
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